The Grumpy Room

On Tuesday I took the Jeopardy! online test. I have always been a big fan of the show, and love to pretend I am so awesome that I would rock some daily doubles on the real thing. Sadly they don’t just let you on the show. There is a multi-step process that involves an online test, going to a regional tryout, being lucky enough to get drawn from the pool, impressing the producers, going to the real show, and winning millions of dollars.

For those of you who have not taken the test before, here is a rundown of what it looks like. It is a live test, and you have to be connected to their site before the test begins. The test is made up of 50 questions, and you get 15 seconds per question. The questions are displayed on the screen and you have to read it as part of your 15 seconds. You don’t have to answer in the form of a question and it will automatically record whatever answer you have in the textbox at the end of the time. You pass or submit your answers early if you want, but you cannot return to a question once time elapses or you move on. It doesn’t have to be spelled right, but it probably helps, and last name is all you need for people.

For your amusement (and my embarrassment) what follows is a recounting of what went through my head during the 15 minute period right before the test began through slightly after it ended. Warning I swear a lot in my head, especially during such a nerve-racking experience. I will provide each category and question, as well as my answer and the correct answer. If you don’t want to see the answer, don’t look at the end of each question block until you have pondered the question first.

Ok 30 seconds to go. Classy they are playing the final question music. Ok get psyched. You can do this. You are a badass. You will make Ken Jennings look like a silly fool. Ok here it comes, remain calm. Focus and LET’S DO THIS!

Question 1: Novel Quotes
“We are not, Hester, the worst sinners in the world” is from this novel.

Sheeeeeeit. Fuck I don’t know. Some sort of Shakespeare shit I bet. Why don’t I know this? I bet I read it in high school. Fuck 15 seconds isn’t very long. Hmm let’s try Othello. That isn’t it but at least not a total moron answer.

My answer: Othello
Correct answer: The Scarlet Letter

Question 2: Filmmakers
Last name of the director of “No Country for Old Men” and “A Serious Man”

Fuck me. Damn it I am failing this shit. Ok I have seen No Country. It was ok…kinda weird. Damn it focus. Who DIRECTED that shit? I have no idea. Ok who directed A MOVIE. I need a director’s name. Shit shit, um, Soderburgh. Sure. Fuck!

My answer: Soderburgh
Correct answer: Coen

Question 3: Business and Industry
Standard Oil of New Jersey adopted this new name in 1972; it’s since added another name to it

Ok hmm. Exxon maybe? They are now ExxonMobil. I’ll put that in. Please be right. Any other names? Nah that shit is right. Yeah I bet I got one. Ok we are going to nail the rest. BRING IT ON!!

My answer: Exxon
Correct answer: Exxon

Question 4: Compound Words
“Firefly” is a compound word, and so is this term for a wingless firefly

Hmm I am sure I know this. Firefly. I liked that show. I hate that annoying song. FUCK! Focus you only have 6 seconds. Shit. Um. Fuck I don’t get it. Damn it. Type something type something!

My answer: blah
Correct answer: Glowworm

Question 5: Military Men
In 1860 he was working in leather goods in Galena, Illinois; the next year he began his rise into history

Ok I know lots of military history. Think brain think. Civil war heroes. Illinois. Obama. No moron think back. Lincoln. No. Shit I dunno who else. Um…FUCK THAT WAS 15 SECONDS?!

My answer:
Correct answer: Grant

Question 6: Africa
It’s Tanzania’s highest point

Ok I know this. It is that big mountain. Shit what is it called? Ok remain calm. It begins with a K, right? Mt. Kenya. No fuck that is a country. Start erasing while you think of it. Um…shit shit shit! GAH!

My answer: Ke
Correct answer: Kilimanjaro

Question 7: King James Bible Verses
“Israel loved” this guy “more than all his children…and he made him a coat of many colours”

Ok I know this. It is a musical. That is that guy’s name. James? No. Jeff? Jebidiah? No stupid BIBLE names. Jacob? Crap I forget. Hopefully Jacob is right. I think that is one of them.

My answer: Jacob
Correct answer: Joseph

Question 8: Arts Venus
Opened in 1971 overlooking the Potomac, it puts on high-class dance, theater, opera…

Crap I am so failing this test. Ok I bet this is the Kennedy Center. The time seems right and the location. Ok I think I got another one.

My answer: Kennedy Center
Correct answer: Kennedy Center

Question 9: Chemistry
Hyrdogen has 3 isotopes: protium, deuterium, and this one with a mass number of 3

Hmm I should know this, I took a bunch of chemistry. Prefix for 3 is tri maybe? Trinium? No. Teurium? That sounds cool. Maybe it is that. That isn’t the right prefix though. Hmm. FUCK! Why don’t I know this shit!?

My answer: Teurium
Correct answer: Tritium

Question 10: Newsmakers
In January 2010 this Connecticut senator and banking committee chair said he wouldn’t seek re-election

Hmm. I never pay attention to this shit. They are all a bunch of assholes anyway. Hmm CT is probably a Democrat. Ok famous Democrats. Wait didn’t Dodd say he was done? Ok Dodd. No fuck he is from Delaware isn’t he? Shit! I hope that is right…

My answer: Dodd
Correct answer: Dodd (Hells yeah bitches)

Question 11: Pop Songs
“Got my flash on, it’s true. Need that picture of you”, she sings in “Paparazzi”

Aw yeah. I know this one. We were using this to test the new lab TV earlier today. Sweet. Lady Gaga and her poker face F-T-W!

My answer: Lady Gaga
Correct answer: Lady Gaga

Question 12: 20th Century Russia
Perestroika and this, Russian for “openness”, were instituted by Mikhail Gorbachev

Crap. I forget this stuff. Hmm. Russian words Russian words. Come on hurry up. Fuck I don’t speak Russian. Ok just pick a word…

My answer: Borsch
Correct answer: Glasnost

Question 13: 2009 Bestsellers
In Dec. 2009 his “I, Alex Cross” topped the New York Times’ hardcover fiction list

Hmm don’t really know. It has to be one of those famousy guys. Is that Koontz? Nah. I think maybe it is what’s-his-face. Shit shit need HIS NAME! Patterson! Ok got to be.

My answer: Patterson
Correct answer: Patterson

Question 14: Space News
NASA’a NEO program stands for these “objects” that could threaten civilization

Ok what could threaten us that NASA would care about? Comets? No they are meteors if they come into the atmosphere. OK meteors. Is that right? That makes no sense. Shit that was 15 seconds?!

My answer: Meteors
Correct answer: Near Earth (no shit genius)

Question 15: State Flags
A star and this creature appear on California’s flag

Ok I can get this. Isn’t it a bear? Or is that Alaska. No I think it is a bear. Fuck do I need to know what kind? Shit. Eh I am sure a bear is fine…right?

My answer: Bear
Correct answer: Bear

Question 16: Metals
Important in human history, this metal is traditionally an alloy of copper and tin

Ok sweet. That is bronze right? Bronze age. Hell yeah I think that is 2 in a row. Oh yeah it is on now stupid test. YOU ARE MINE!!!

My answer: Bronze
Correct answer: Bronze

Question 17: 10-Letter Words
It’s another name for your clavicle

YES! Ok you are my bitch test! I know this shit! Double-check the letters…yep. Sweet.

My answer: Collarbone
Correct answer: Collarbone

Question 18: Shakespeare
This character is king of the fairies in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”

Hmm. Stupid Shakespeare. I hate these. I was on a roll and you have to come and fuck me up. I always “know” them but can’t remember. FOCUS! Ok I think it is Pan. Pan? Isn’t he in that? No. Shit what is the dude’s name? FUCK!

My answer: Pan
Correct answer: Oberon

Question 19: The Constitution
The 4th amendment protects against these 2 things if they’re “unreasonable”

Sweet. Ok that is search and seizure right? Shit I should know this stuff better. That sounds right. I think that is it. Hammer-locking that shit.

My answer: Search and seizure
Correct answer: Search and seizure

Question 20: Animals
Wallabies and numbats are among the about 250 species of these unusual mammals

Hmm. Ok I feel like marsupials is the one I want here. Not exactly sure why, but sure sounds like a good answer. Anything better? Nope.

My answer: Marsupials
Correct answer: Marsupials

Question 21: Assassination
This San Francisco activist was 40 when he was gunned down by Dan While in 1978

Hmm. My gut tells me it was Milk. I think he was from there. Eh I will put him. Anyone else coming to mind? Nope I hope that is right…

My answer: Milk
Correct answer: Milk

Question 22: Big Countries
Only Russia and this “stan” stretch from China to Europe

Hmm ok there are a couple of these. Shit the only one I know is Kazakhstan, though I can’t spell it. Stupid Borat. God that shit was horrible. Hmm. Ok I’ll put it.

My answer: Kazackstan
Correct answer: Kazakhstan (eh spelling doesn’t count)

Question 23: The Internet
This eclectic website with a double-talk name is ranked by Technorati.com as the most popular blog

Hmm I should know this. Blog? SlashDot isn’t a blog. Shit I have no idea.

My answer:
Correct answer: BoingBoing? (When I wrote this it is currently the Huffington Post. BoingBoing is #6)

Question 24: American Literature
In 2009 this chronicler of Nathan Zuckerman published his 30th novel, “The Humbling”

Sheeeeeeit. I have NO FUCKING CLUE here. Smith. Maybe that is it. Sure. Ok meh screw it next question…

My answer: Smith
Correct answer: Roth

Question 25: Painters
This French fauvist’s “Joie de Vivre” features naked women frolicking

Hmm. Fuck. I know jack-shit about painters. Hmm famous French ones. Monet is famous. Ok that is a GREAT answer.

My answer: Monet
Correct answer: Matisse

Question 26: Up In The Air
The highest jet streams occur in this layer of the atmosphere that begins 10 miles above the earth

Ok I know some of these. Which one which one? Bah too much stress. Pick quickly. Ok stratosphere. That seems reasonable.

My answer: Stratosphere
Correct answer: Stratosphere

Question 27: Colorful Words and Phrases
A state that tends to vote for Democrats in a general election is described as this color

Aw come on. This is a total pity question right here. Any idiot knows this…I would hope. I’ll take the pity though. BLUE!

My answer: Blue
Correct answer: Blue

Question 28: Produce
Hass is a variety of this, nicknamed the “butter pear”

Crap. Damn food. It is probably something I can’t stand isn’t it. I have no fucking clue. I am typing peach. No idiot, that makes no sense. Any better options? Eh fuck it.

My answer: Peach
Correct answer: Avocado

Question 29: 19th Century Authors
There once was this man who in 1872 published “More Nonsense Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, Etc.”

Bah fucking literature. Grrr no idea. 19th century? Hmm. Who wrote weird shit? Lots of people. Lots of people I DON’T FUCKING KNOW THE NAMES OF! Hmm. Mark Twain maybe? Eh I guess that is a good answer…

My answer: Twain
Correct answer: Lear

Question 30: U.S. Cities
Its former mayor William Hartsfield dubbed it the city “too busy to hate”

Shit where would that be? A busy city. New York? Nah. Chicago? Sure…maybe. Hmm. Ok Chicago. Wait a second. Hartsfield. SHIT! Atlanta! Fucking airport. SHIT SHIT SHIT ERASE FASTER!!!! FUCK!!! ATLANTA!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU WHY DON’T YOU ACCEPT THINGS I SCREAM AT YOU!?!? FUCK FUCK FUCK I KNEW THAT ONE!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!

My answer: C
Correct answer: Atlanta

Question 31: Sports Retired Numbers
The Denver Broncos retired his no. 7

Ok this I know. Elway. Has to be.

My answer: Elway
Correct answer: Elway

Question 32: Musical Theater
“Guido’s Song” is a number in this musical inspired by a Fellini film

Bah I don’t know. It isn’t from any of the few I know. Um…

My answer:
Correct answer: Nine

Question 33: The Old West
In 1881 a famous gunfight took place at the O.K. Corral in this Arizona city with a “grave” name

Sweet. Another one I know. Tombstone baby!

My answer: Tombstone
Correct answer: Tombstone

Question 34: Literary Tourism
George Bernard Shaw’s restored birthplace is a tourist attraction in this capital city

Damn it stupid literature-related shit again. Fuck these questions. I have no idea. Shit. I need a capital. Drawing blank. Concord. No it isn’t New Hampshire. Or Florida. Quick quick. Columbus…sure.

My answer: Columbus
Correct answer: Dublin

Question 35: The Eye
The retina has about 75 to 150 million rods & only about 7 million of these receptor cells

Ok phew another one I know. Maybe I can finish strong on this thing. Cones.

My answer: Cones
Correct answer: Cones

Question 36: Famous Women
Her resume includes asst. commissioner for the Chicago Dept. of Planning & Development, 1992-93

Bah no idea. Who is from Chicago? OPRAH! No dumbass that isn’t it. Besides her show has been on since like 1982. Hmm. Who else. Shit need an answer. Obama maybe? Sure good answer.

My answer: Obama
Correct answer: Obama (Fuck yeah baby!)

Question 37: TV Casts
Jane Lynch is Sue Sylvester, coach of the Cheerios, McKinley High’s cheerleading squad, on this FOX show

Bah I don’t know. I don’t want many of these shows anymore. Shitty shit shit. Crap.

My answer: Um
Correct answer: Glee (yes ET I should watch your damn show)

Question 38: World History
In the late 19th c., Peru & Bolivia vied with Chile for control of this desert

Fuck. Damn it I don’t know this one either. Sigh. It isn’t any of the deserts I know. Hmm. The Peruvian desert…yeah that might be it you know.

My answer: Peruvian
Correct answer: Atacama

Question 39: Common Bonds
Reel, hora, habanera

Ok seriously now just give me ONE I FUCKING KNOW!!! Hmm reel. Movie reel? Habanera. That is the pepper? No that isn’t right. FUCK!

My answer: Peppers
Correct answer: Dances

Question 40: Area Codes
To call the White House from one of the 50 states, dial this D.C. area code

Sigh. I have no idea. I got hos, I got hos. In different area codes, area codes. Stupid Ludacris. Send me the answer please. Bah. Shit I don’t know.

My answer: 0
Correct answer: 202 (in the song BTW)

Question 41: Composers
This composer of “William Tell” was the son of a trumpeter & a singer

All right fuck you test. Seriously. I don’t know. Quick pick somebody while you have time. Maybe you’ll luck out.

My answer: Tchaikovsky
Correct answer: Rossini

Question 42: Book Characters
Nickname of Arthur, the reclusive neighbor in “To Kill a Mockingbird”

Crap. So not getting on the show. I should know this. Come on brain…DIG DEEP! You can do this. Shit.

My answer: Happy
Correct answer: Boo Radley

Question 43: Crossword Clues “G”
A policeman, in Paris (8 letters)

Ok think brain, THINK! You took French. Remember words. Come ON! Wait wait gen d’arme right? Shit in a puzzle it would be gendarme. Is that 8? IT IS! FUCK YES! Four years of French hell yes!!

My answer: Gendarme
Correct answer: Gendarme

Question 44: Annual Traditions
On April 22, 1878 Lucy Hayes instituted this annual event

Bah. I don’t know. Shit. Something in April. Maybe it is Earth Day. No that is too early. Fuck I have nothing else…

My answer: Earth Day
Correct answer: The Annual White House Easter Egg Roll (seriously?!)

Question 45: European Geography
On this sea, an arm of the Mediterranean, you’ll find Rimini & Ravenna, Italy & Rijeka, Croatia

Ok. You know some of these. Think. Right side of Italy. What is it called? Shit. You don’t know do you? FUCK YOU! KNOW SOMETHING!

My answer: Aegean
Correct answer: Adriatic

Question 46: Astronomers
In 1686 this English astronomer became the first to publish a meteorological chart

Ok I am so over this stupid test. Don’t know any English ones. Sigh. Galileo (Galileo…Figaro!)?

My answer: Galileo
Correct answer: Halley

Question 47: Writers
He’s changed our views on creativity & social change with books like “Blink” & “The Tipping Point”

Bah I can’t read. I have no idea. Fuck it. NEXT!

My answer:
Correct answer: Gladwell

Question 48: Coins
In 2000 Sacagawea joined this woman as the face of U.S. dollar coins

All right! Thanks a lot test. I guess I can try to scrape together a little bit of dignity on these last couple.

My answer: Anthony
Correct answer: Anthony

Question 49: Men Of Massachusetts
He was serving as president of Congress when he signed the Declaration of Independence

Sigh I don’t know. Was Franklin from Mass? Eh I will guess him. Don’t care.

My answer: Franklin
Correct answer: Hancock

Question 50: Comic Book Movies
This superhero’s alter ego is billionaire Tony Stark

YES! I know this one. STRONG FINISH! I AM SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!

My answer: Iron Man
Correct answer: Iron Man

Total Correct: 21
Total Incorrect: 29
Score: 21/50 a.k.a. 42% a.k.a F a.k.a Epic FAIL!

That sucked. Oh well. As a side note if you really like Jeopardy! you should check out J! Archive. They have all the clues and answers from TONS of games, breakdowns of the score, a scoretracker over time from the game, and so on. It is pretty awesome.

I don’t expect a phone call anytime soon…