The Grumpy Room

CNN has an article about an upcoming gadget from toymaker Mattel. They are rolling out a product called Puppy Tweets, a device which will allow your dog to tweet updates on Twitter. The device is attached to the dog’s collar and comes with pre-recorded messages based on the dog’s behavior. Examples include: “I finally caught that tail I’ve been chasing and…OOUUUCHH!” if the dog has been running around in circles or “Somedays it feels like my paw is permanently on the snooze button!” if the dog is napping.

Why the hell would you want this? I mean really what does the dog do all day when you are gone anyway? Sleep, run around, eat, (hopefully not) piss on something, lick its own ass perhaps. Is that interesting? I honestly don’t get the fascination with puppy cams and other crap like this. What’s next? Some Life Alert clone for pets? Sigh.

And what about cats? Why just dogs? I have three cats and what if I want to know what they are doing? I should create Kitteh Tweets for those of us with cats. Here is a typical day in the life of one of my cats. Quick warning they do like to swear. A lot.

@hoomin n/m on the killing. Tried to get to food and was unsuccessful. You live…for now.
11:58 PM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

@hoomin laying in bed next to you. Going to kill you once you fall asleep.
11:16 PM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

@hoomin you fucking touched me now I have to lick all your nastiness off of me. Touch me again and I will claw your fucking face.
8:09 PM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

Back in lap. Again marginally content.
7:42 PM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

@hoomin you fucking moved so now I have to fucking get up and come back again. Fuck you.
7:41 PM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

In a lap. Marginally content.
6:50 PM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

@hoomin you’ve been home for 10 fucking seconds and I have no food. Hurry the fuck up with this!
5:18 PM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

@othercats stay the fuck off my fucking spot or I will fucking cut you…in the face!
12:24 PM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

Getting some fucking sleep on my bed.
7:45 AM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

Finally eating my fucking food. Fucking took you long enough to fucking feed me.
6:05 AM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

@hoomin annoying the fuck out of you but your lazy ass won’t wake the fuck up. FEED ME!
5:23 AM Jan 23rd from Kitteh Tweets

Here is a conceptual video of my brilliant new Kitteh Tweets product:

(not actually my cat)

I mean can you really expect anything less from cats? They already have an affinity for downloading kiddie porn. Maybe the poor cat was just confused and was trying to get some “kitty” porn instead. Whaa-whaa-whaa-whaaaaaaa.