The Grumpy Room

I just recently learned about the web series The Legend of Neil. The Legend of Neil is a story about a guy who gets drunk one night and ends up trapped inside of the world of Hyrule from The Legend of Zelda. He finds himself playing the role of Link and begins his quest to escape from the game with amusing results.

The show is absolutely hysterical. Examples:

Neil: I’m Ne…wait princess? Like Zelda? Is she hot?
Old Man: Yes she’s fuckable. She’s like a 7, 7 and a half. Although you only look to be a 6, or a 5.

Neil: This thing is a piece of crap.
Old Man: Hey fuck you! That crap is free, I made it. You ungrateful shit.

Fairy: I’m not all tits like the princess you know.

Neil: Aw you bag of dicks! COME ON!

It helps that I remember playing Zelda as a kid and how pissed off I would get when I would get killed off by some stupid little shit wizrobe or whatever. Ah memories. In addition to an irreverent spin on the classic game, the show features some great characters like Old Man (no it’s Old man) and featuring Felicia Day as a sex-crazed fairy. What else do you need?

I always knew our minds were capable of getting us into trouble, especially when dealing with money. On Cracked.com today there is an article discussing logical fallacies that cost us money (warning science involved). Our brains are dooming us in so many ways and we are powerless to stop them. It is an excellent (and of course amusing) article that is definitely worth the read.

The fallacies covered in the article are that your brain:
6. Thinks The Future Is an Urban Legend
5. Believes It Can Use Its Own Stupidity as a Time Machine
4. Won’t Let You Get Rid of Useless Shit
3. Throws Good Money After Bad
2. Has No Idea What Money’s Worth
and
1. Sucks at Figuring the Odds

If you think about it I am sure you know somebody (perhaps even you) who have sinned from the above list. Things like buying lottery tickets and renting storage for shit you don’t even like enough to put in your house come to mind. But the bottom line is that this is completely ridiculous. I would never be suckered into something so silly. I am off to install DDO and purchase a bunch of upgrades for my characters. It is free to play now after all, right?

This post is a bit overdue from the new year, but I finally remembered to post it. There is a group at Lake Superior State University that “banishes” a set of words every year. The 2010 list of banned words includes words like czar, tweet, teachable moment, and using friend as a verb. You can view the complete list here. I am not sure why they get to make the call, but I think this list is double plus good.

This is why I think people are stupid. My friend just sent me an article about people getting depressed after watching Avatar. I think it isn’t so much that people are depressed after the movie, but because they “have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora”. What the fuck?!

I mean there are people in this article talking about how beautiful Pandora is and how much they want to be there and how much Earth sucks. Ok I get that some of these people are probably completely full of shit and messing with all the other losers who take it seriously, but I mean COME ON! How can you possibly want to off yourself after watching it? On second thought, go right ahead. Maybe you will reincarnate in such a wonderful fantasy world, where I will cut your ass down from atop my epic mount with my +7 broadsword of dumbass slaying.

In the interest of full disclosure I must admit I have not actually seen the movie. Perhaps it is so wondrous and glorious that I too will weep openly at the mere thought of such a place. Perhaps all of the blue people walk around shooting rainbows out of their asses and playing beautiful music on pan flutes. I did however read this plot summary of Pocahontas Avatar and figured that was probably fairly accurate. FYI if you have not seen the movie and don’t want anything spoiled don’t read it.

Have you ever wanted a site that would provide you a big long list of badasses and would give you another one every week? Well guess what, there IS such a site. You should check out Badass of the Week. It is a wondrous collection of badassery. Perhaps the most badass of all the badasses is Col. John Matrix.

Best. Line. EVER. I mean how is that not the definition of a badass!? Commando was a great (and yet so, so awful) movie. And the bad guy…how can you not love him? Bennett was rocking the leather and chain mail, the 70′s porn stache, AND the flabby gut. Sweet.

Since it is the beginning of the new year and many people are hopefully still striving to fulfill some sort of resolution, I decided to comment on something that is probably not part of anyone’s resolutions. A while ago while watching CBS Sunday Morning I saw a place called Heart Attack Grill. This place is absolutely ridiculous, but in the most awesome way. They serve nothing but the best: massive burgers and buns GRILLED WITH LARD, lard-cooked fries, no diet drinks or light beers. Their largest burger, the Quadruple Bypass Burger, is over 8,000 calories. EIGHT-THOUSAND!? Sweet.

Another interesting thing about this place is that if you weigh 350 pounds or more you can eat for free. As much as you want. All the time. I wish this place wasn’t in Arizona though. Of course I need to pack on another 100 pounds before I am going to get the free stuff. You can see the original Bill Geist story below.

And if all this isn’t enough for you all I have two words…sexy nurses.

I was checking out CNN today and I came across this article. So apparently in the interest of keeping up its standards, Beautiful People started kicking out various members who became “fatties” over the holidays. Maybe it is just me but such a site seems silly. Perhaps I am just jealous because I would have gotten bounced for my holiday poundage. My favorite quote is from Robert Hintze, founder of BeautifulPeople.com. “Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.” Nice. It must be difficult being a beautiful person and dealing with all us average people being so annoying.

I was watching the Sugar Bowl last night, and while enjoying the thorough beat-down of Cincinnati by the Gators, I saw a commercial for the Motorola DROID. Now I have seen the DROID many times before, but for some reason (probably Dan’s massive TV) we noticed in the fine print the following statements: DROID is a trademark of Lucasfilm Ltd. and its related companies. Used under license. Really? So Lucas is getting paid for allowing Motorola to call the phone DROID? That is crazy. Why don’t I think of these things? I am going to trademark something like “zarkleblat”, now all I need is to sucker somebody into using it…

While I was in Florida someone, who shall remain nameless, forced me to listen to a song called Fireflies by Owl City. You can see the music video for the song here. You can tell they are super classy because they disabled embedding of their video.

If you get this stuck in your head I am not taking responsibility. You were crazy enough to come here and click on the song in the first place, so don’t go blaming me. Here is a sample of the lyrics of the song:

‘Cause I’d get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

Who the fuck writes this shit? Seriously? Why do these people get paid money for this!?

I’d fill those ten thousand lightning bugs
Full of metal slugs
From the barrel of my AK

And ten million fireflies
Would hate my goodbyes
As I blew them all away

At least I am not the only person who hates this stuff. As far as I can tell, The Motherfucking Pterodactyl doesn’t like it either. I should get a Grammy or something from the AMA for this stuff. Maybe MTV can send me something. I mean at least perhaps a Pulitzer for poetry or a Frost Medal? Come on…

The Oatmeal is another really hilarious website I keep an eye on created by Matthew Inman. Personally I think this should be required reading for all my students. I don’t claim to be perfect but is it really THAT HARD to write in English? Perhaps another one of my favorite comics from The Oatmeal is about fixing computers. I know this has happened to me before and I suspect that I have probably done it to other people. For those whose knowledge I abuse I am very sorry. Do not expect the abuse to stop however.